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Uncomfortable Feelings

I recently made a significant investment in my business.  It hasn’t quite worked out in the way that I wanted it to and it left me feeling foolish.  Now, I’m not a psychologist but there is something linked to the fool that brings about feelings of embarrassment, shame and guilt.  It hasn’t felt nice.

However, if we look to tarot, the fool card is more akin to inexperience, joyful first steps and new beginnings.  When I was very small my mum would do tarot and tell me I had The Gift.  She said I wasn’t allowed to read tarot until I was 16 as it was “too dangerous” but I was allowed to read tea leaves.  I only remember reading my mum’s tea leaves once and it was full of much hilarity when I saw a monster and a bell.  Oooohhh… What could this small girl’s childish reading mean?  Well, following that reading my mum then secretly went on to marry an alcoholic who beat her up and stole her prized possessions, so you know, it wasn’t that funny after all.  It’s never a nice gift to say “I told you so” but with hindsight, I do wonder what signs could have possibly been strong enough for her to forgo the wedding bells with that particular monster.  Anyway, I guess from there I didn’t really want to embrace tarot anymore - my husband is very firmly in the “do not believe camp”.  If you pull the fool card in reverse it means stupidity, poor judgement and chaos so I’m going to sit this reading out and make my own peace with the fact that this investment in my business has been a learning curve.  I’ll dust myself off and I will go again in 2024.

And the reason I will go again is because what I do believe in, is this woman’s work.  This woman as in me.  I really don’t know where it is going right now.  But whilst I figure it all out I know that birth preparation has impact.  And I know that the skills I have invested in developing serve me and the women I work with well.  More so than tea leaf readings although perhaps I am open to it if anyone wants a whirl?

Alongside the hypnobirthing, one of the skills that I have learnt (although to be more precise, I am learning) is the art of holding space.  And if you follow me on Instagram you might have seen me recently “hold space” on my stories for my community to share their uncomfortable feelings at Christmas.  It was really quite moving to witness people owning their uncomfortable feelings and share themselves in their truest and most vulnerable ways.  And so, I thank those who showed up.  The ones who shared and the ones who witnessed.  Going first isn’t easy, but it holds so much power and offers another person the evidence that it is OK to be. To be real and honest and truthful.

But to get to the point, if you are expecting a baby, or if you are post-partum I want you to know this.  It is OK to feel the uncomfortable feelings.  The fear, the guilt, the shame, anger, frustration, boredom, envy, absolute bone-chilling from the pit of your stomach rage.  Give yourself space, give yourself time.  Sit with it, be with it and let it move through you.  Let it move out of you with movement, with breath, with sound or with art.

There simply isn’t a right way to birth babies or to raise them.  There are less than ideal ways and there are wrong ways.  Sometimes, we make mistakes.  But if you are committed to learning and growing and owning your uncomfortable feelings then you too have the power to dust yourself off and keep going.  To do what you believe is best for you and your babies.

So I am wishing you a magical festive season, however you celebrate it, whatever you believe.

Be kind to each other but most of all, be kind to yourself.  Despite it all, you are brilliant.

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